A CLASSIC Woody Allen joke goes something like this.
“My ex-wife and I argued over who should get custody of the children…neither of us wanted them.”
Well that’s kind of how I feel. Don’t get me wrong. It would break my heart to give up my kids, but equally I dream about having a couple of days off every other weekend.

And that’s why I am totally confused about this whole superdads phenomenon. You know: the men who hang around outside the Queen’s bedroom window with their knickers outside their trousers protesting about how unfair life is and how their evil ex-wives don’t let them see the kids. I don’t get it.

The real problem in society is that the majority of the single parents in the world (over 90 per cent) are women. And a very high proportion of them do the entire job of child-rearing with no help whatsoever from the fathers of their children. And do we hear them kicking off about this? Talk about the silent majority.

While the fathers for justice are on the news, radio and television (with the lovely but gobby Bob Geldof  doing the articulate bit on their behalf), why do we never hear the other side of the argument?
It’s because single mums are way too exhausted by the effort of bringing up children on pitifuly low part-time wages with no career prospects, and dashing home to shoulder the responsibilities and round-the-clock banalities of child-rearing.
A single mum is lucky to find the time to brush her teeth, never mind organise a day trip to London with a stop-off at Lionel Digby’s fancy dress hire along the way.
You’d have to take the kids with you for a start. And they’d all want matching costumes. And a stop-off at Legoland. The expense! The Tesco vouchers! The interminable trips to the loo!

My lawyer actually laughed in my face when I said I wanted a clause in the divorce stipulating that my children’s dad should have them every other weekend.
Fathers for justice have legal rights to take mothers to court if they want more access, but nobody mentions the fact that the mum usually left holding the baby has no legal rights at all to get dads to look after their children more regularly. How is that fair?

One day (when and if the children leave home), I will protest by climbing some very tall national monument. In tribute to Woody Allen, I’ll be the one dressed as a moose…